originally written 7 years this is edited version

Well I haven’t written a blog for a long time as I have been living in a dark time. We all have them. Times when you feel like the bottom has come out of your world and you are not sure whats going on. You wonder where God is, why has He left you , why isn’t He making it all ok? SO many questions.

My dark time was that I  had burnout or breakdown whatever you wish to call it,  I am happy sharing this as it happens to many people, many have mental health problems from time to time. Maybe this could even help someone and give them hope.

I was so busy at work and it was so stressful I wasn’t getting any of my work done as I managed a team of staff,  i was helping look after my elderly mother after work who has dementia and diabetes and had some frightening times ,  my eldest son was getting married and i was really busy at church being on the Management Team, Pastoral Care team, Worship team, Refresh@10 team and much more.

My body decided enough was enough, I was looking at my screen at work at a spreadsheet and i thought ‘i don’t know what to do or what I am doing’ That was that i went home and was signed off for a month.  I was put on antidepressants but I didn’t want to take them, when i eventually did it was the worst thing i could have done. I felt like I had been plugged into an electric socket and I couldn’t eat or sleep. This gave me acute anxiety. It has been 7 months nearly now and friends and family wanted me to go on some other antidepressants but i was too scared. Anyway in the end i saw a lovely doctor who felt i needed to forget these for a few weeks and not put more stress on myself and get out as much as possible and enjoy life. ( i was feeling much better by then) So that is what i am doing. I am eating better now, sleeping better and getting out more and enjoying life.  I still have a LONG way to go and each day is different, nights can be hard sometimes as that’s when i worry and things go round and round but I’m getting there. My body still feels hypersensitive which I don’t like either but what made the difference?

Well I believe it was God. For months I couldn’t pray, read the bible, even sing much in church  etc. I felt just as anxious about God than i did other things. I was basically fearful of everything. Why wasn’t He bringing the healing I so longed for. It’s in these times that we start to search and search for God and spend time with him. He is there though as He never leaves us or forsakes us. He does show he is there though. Through a friend who comes round and prays with you. Through people, services etc.

But over time I started to pray again read my bible etc. (Many were praying for me. I can’t thank my church family enough for all their prayers and many others from other churches too being so faithful in prayer and support in practical ways. For my wonderful kids who stayed with me and cooked and did everything.)

Its like the light broke through that darkness and started to shine again. I didn’t feel so low, i started walking, seeing people, getting help with the local charity Mary Francis Trust and our local centre doing keep fit etc. I hadn’t sung at church since this all happened either, I stopped my worship band and stepped down from the other two I was in but last week when I was at church I thought I wonder when I will ever get back up there and sing again. Anyway I noticed this weekend that one of the bands I used to sing in was leading worship and I said ‘Lord could I do it? Am I being silly? Could I? Anyway I got in contact with my friend and she said just try one or two songs and see how you go. Anyway after only 3  hours sleep I got up and I DID IT, I sang all the songs. God was so great , keeping me completely calm . It was absolutely amazing. I can’t tell you how I felt. On cloud 9.

I felt absolutely out of it the rest of the day due to not much sleep the night before etc so that was hard as I could feel my body was so stressed. I didn’t sleep that well last night either so O am feeling pretty yuk today but tomorrows another day and it will take time but the main thing is I am making progress, God has lifted my spirits and giving me things to do and giving me the strength I need to do things. He has put hope in my heart again and that makes a huge difference.

If you are weary and feeling maybe the same as me or been/going through a very difficult time, don’t give up on God. He is with you in the good and the bad times and He understands how we are feeling and knows what we are going through.  Keep praying, keep reading His word ask Him to speak to you through His word  or others. Reach out and don’t give up as He wont give up on you. Ask Him what He wants to teach you through this. Ask Him to stay close and in a way that you know He is there.

God bless